O! (both) 

Go ye to the feast of Capulets. There sups the Rosaline whom thou so lovest will the admired beauties of Verona. Go thither and compare her face with some that I shall show ans I shall make thee think thy swan a crow.

There's free beer.

exit SR

Romeo: Let's go!

...

 Jess: And, where, in a scene of timesless romance, He'll tru to get into Julit's pants.

(enter..?)

...

Oh she doth teach the torches to burn bright. ... This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips two blushing pilgrims reay stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

(enter SR dancing)

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers kiss

Romeo:

Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

Romeo: O then, dear saint, let lips do what hand do.

(action)

Juliet: Saints do not move, though, grant for prayers sake.

(struggle to get away from Romeo)

Jess: Lo, Romeo did swoon with love; By Cupid he'd neem crippl't; But Juliet had a loathsome coz Whose loathsome name was Tybalt.

(enter....)

Thou wretched boy, I am for you!

(Throw Romeo a foil then impale myself onto it)

Oh I am slain!

(action)

(bow, exit to SR stairs)

...

Jess: Despite the best efforts of Friar and Nurse; their fate pursues them, they can't seem to duck it, at the end of the end of act 5, they all kick the bucket.

(enter...)

(Enter up from SR stairs, prettending to ride a horse)

Gallop apace, you firey-footed steeds. And bring in cloudy night immediately. Come, civil night! Come, night! Come, Romeo, Thou day in night! Come gentle night! Come loving balck-brow'd night! O night night night night. Come come come come come! And bring me my Romeo!

O it is my nurse.

Dude your boobs!

Oops!

Nurse: It did, it did, alas the day it did. (cries)

O Nurse! O...O Nurse?  NURSE!

Ah, menopause.

(stage direction)

(X>FL)

O Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and I've got cramps and that not-so-fresh feeling. Can you help me please?

Friar: Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off. And presently though they veins shall fun a cold and drowsy humor.

(action)

(take like a shot, wander drunkenly around stage and see Friar's robe)

O I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins. Obi-Wan.

(action)

(action 2)

Mm pretty colors! Uh-oh...

(lose balance, jump into audience and start puking on the audience)

There, I feel much better.

(boost selfback up onto edge of stage and fall asleep.

Romeo: Here's to my love. O true apothecary! They drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss, I die...

(action)

Thus, with a kiss, I die.

(action #2)

(action)

(squirt silly string in face)

(sit up yawning)

Juliet: Good morning. Where, O where is my love?

(scream)

What's this? A cup, closed in my ture love's hand? Poison I see hath been his timeless end. O churl. Drunk all and left no friendly drop tohelp me after. Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger. This is they sheath.

(action)

(take Romeo's sword and play with it)

That's Romeo for ya.

There rust and let me die!

Jess: Epilogue!

.

.

Daniel: ...and never was there a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

(action)

(sit up, then stand)

And Romeo and Juliet are deeeaad...!

Thank you Wembley and good night!

(blackout, exit...)

(Blackout exit SR)

Daniel: Wow, we did that in twelve minutes!

.

.

Jess: Unless, of course you cook     (action)    the rapist and serve him to his mother at a dinner party! My daughter, Lavinia, and I will show you how.

Good Evening, Lavinia!

(enter SR pushing the rapist)

Ood ebeie, abby!

Titus: Well, it's a pisser, but we'll get our recenge won't we? ... And make a pasty of your shameful head. Come, Lavinia,receive the blood. 

(action)

FIrst of all, we want to make a nice, clean incision from carotid artery to jugular vein, like so.

 Rapist Aaaaargh!

(hold bowl unter neck of rapist)

Yecch. That's weally gwoss, abby.

Titus: And when that  he is dead, which schould be right about now, let me go grund his bones to powder small.

(exit...)

And with this hateful liquor temper it; and in that paste let his vile head be baked at about 350 degrees. And forty minutes later, you have this lovely human-head pie

(enter...)

which i prepared earlier. I even chopped up some ladyfingers for dessert! Now, who ill be the first to try this delicious, high-protein treat?

(action...)

(exit SL with bowl)

(enter SL with pie)

(Walk down SL stairs into audience with pie)

Well, we're out of time. Be sure to tune in tomorrow when we'll see Timon of Athens in a meaty new take on the 'Greed Salad.' Say good night, Lacinia!

(exit...)

Ood ight, Abubia! 

(exit SL)

Daniel: Disgusting! But inexplicably, it was the biggest hit of SHakespeare's lifetime...

Compare the immaturity of Titus Andronicus to the comples subtleties of the human condition revealed in his dark and brooding traagedy Othello, the Moor of Venice.

(enter ...)

(action)

(enter SL with toy boats)

Othello: SPeak of me as I am; let nothing extenuate of one who loved not wisely, but too well: for never was there a story of more woe than this of Othello and his Desdemono.

(stab self with tug boat)

O, Desi!

Daniel: Reed, can we have some lights please?

Jess: I'm sorry about this. It seems that Adam, secure in his infallibility of the Internet, has Googled the word 'moor' and determined that it's a place where you tie up boats.

Daniel: Lose the boats.

(exit...)

:

:

If Othello's African Italian, we can't do it without a genuine Koran-spoutin', spaghetti-lovin' homeboy.

(enter..)

(exit SR)

:

(enter w/out boats)

Hey, just because we're white doesn't mean we can't represent the Afro Italian condition, yo! I got this idea, its sort of old school, and it's totally boatless. We just gotta get a beat going....boom boom pachoom

Here's the story of a brother by the name of Othello. He liked white women and he liked.. limoncello.

Daniel: He didn't write a letter and he didn't telephone-a!

Now Othello lovedDesi like Adonis loved Venus.

Jess: And Desi loved Othello cuz he had a big-

Daniel: SWORD!

Jess: He was sly.

Daniel: He was sort of a ..PENIS.

Daniel: How you gonna do it?

Daniel&Jess: Tell us!

Adam: Well I know his tragic flaw is that he's..

ALL: too damn jealous!

Adam: I need a dupe, I need a dope, I need a sort of a shmoe.

Jess: So he find a chump sucker by the name o' Cassio.

Daniel: And he plants on him Desdemona's hankerchief.

So Othello get's to wonderein', just maybe if.. while he been out fightin'

Daniel&Adam: Commandin' an army

Daniel: So he come back home and he smother he beeyotch.

Jess: And he thinks he pulled it of without a heeyotch.

Jess: Who we met in act fo'.

Daniel: Who says, "Yo homey, she wasn't no ho. She was-

Adam&Jess: virginal too..

ALL: So why'd you have to go and make her face turn blue?

Adam: It's true.

Daniel&Adam: Now what you gonna do?

Adam: And Othello says

Jess: Damn this is gettin pretty scary

Daniel: So he pulled out his gun and commited Hara-Kiri.

Daniel&Adam: 

Do that funky moor thing white boy!

Adam: Iago got off on a technicality. 

Jess: Moved to Hollywood.

Daniel: And got his own TV-

Jess&Adam: Yeah!

ALL: Comedies! (raised fist)

Daniel: Hey, it takes a real genius to milk five ideas into sixteen plays.

(action..)

(sit on edge of stage DSR)

Yeah, but I can never tell them apart. Like what's that one with the shipwreck, the identical twins, and the big wedding at the end?

Jess: Well, Shakespeare obviously should have written one exemplary play..

:

:

Daniel: Cymbeline Taming Pericles theMerchant in the Tempest of Love as Much as You Like It for Nothing. Or-

(action..)

Jess: Act One! A Bohemian duke swears an oath... casts him upon a dessert island along with his sweet, innocent, clueless young daughter.

(action 2)

(rise, "read from manuscript" with music stand)

(roll around on floor)

O dear father, I am so lonely and pubescent on this island. And frisky, rrarr.

Duke: O precious daughter, watch out for symbols of colonial oppression lurking in caves, waiting for virgins.

METALK

(exit..)

Princess: Kay, b-bye!

(exit SL)

Jess: Meanwhile, the Duke's long lost son, a handsome, dashing clueless young merchant, is also shipwrecked, coincidentally, on the same island.

Merchent: How shall I survive without funds in this strange foreign land? I know, I must needs find me an old Jew! Behold, here cometh a convienient Juedo Italian steriotype now.

(enter...)

(enter SL w/ beard)

Jew: Whatsammata you, eh? Need a payday loan bubby?

Jess: The wicked Jew tricks the merchant into putting down his brains as collateral on the loan.

Merchant: Such a deal!

Jess: Act Two. Fearing ravishment, the clueless young princess disguises herself as a boy and becomes a page to a handsome, dashing, clueless young soldier.

(action...)

Soldier: You there, boy!

(Put on wig and hat over)

Princess: Yes? ... I mean... Yes?

Soldier: I singeth not that way, boy. Deliver this letter Violivia. Go, hence.

Soldier: Hie thee hither from hence to thence!

(action)

Jess: Act Three. The beautiful, virginal, and clueless young princess arrives in man-drag to woo the Lady Violivia.

Shrew: It is I, the bitchy shrew Violivia. Come hither!

(X> SL)

Princess Boy: Whither?

(action..)

Shrew: Hither, from thither. If you come in, I'll show you my zither.

Jess: Act Four. On the twelfth night of midsummer..

:

:

Jess: Act Five. In the ensuing bisexual animalistic orgy, the Princess's man clothes get ripped off, revealing a smokin' bod and female genitalia! The merchant recognizes his sister.

Merchant: My nearly identical twin!

(X>Violivia)

Princess: My long-lost and strangely attractive brother!

Jess: The shrew realizes she's bi-curious.

Shrew: O Brave New World!

Jess: The dashing young soldier decides he actually prefers Bottom.

Soldier: And thereboy hangs a sweet tail!

Jess: The Jew exits, pursued by bear.

(action/exit)

(put on wig as beard/ exit SL)

Jew: Oy, a bear!

Jess: And they all get married in the state of Massachusetts and go out to dinner. Now give us your hands if we be friends.

(enter..)

(action..)

(enter SL)

(clean up stands/manuscripts)

ALL: Because all is well that finally ends! Thank you!

Adam: Dude, I had no idea SHakespeare was such a perv. 

(w/ fist in air) Adam&Jess: TRAGEDIES! .. Tragedies.

Jess: Interestingly, we've discovered Shakespeare's commedies aren't nearly as funny as his tragedies.

Daniel: That is so true. You know what's funny? "The Scottish play!"

Daniel&Jess: Shhhhh! Don't say it!

Jess: It's all in the performance, Adam. It needs to be done that you can see the heather rippling on the highlands, feel the cold summer breeze wafting up your kilt, and smell the vomit steaming in the alley outside the pub. 

Daniel: Good idea! Kilts! Whiskey!

(action...)

MESPEAK

(exit..)

(raise fist) 

Adam&Jess: Vomit!

(XJ exit SR)

Daniel: Ladies and gentlemen, we now present our authentically Scottish production of Macbeth!

Witch: Double, double, toil and trouble.

Macbeth: Stay, ye imperfect macspeaker. Tell me more.

Witch: Macbeth, Macbeth, beware Macduff. No man of woman born shall harm Macbeth till Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane, don't ye know.

(enter...)

Macbeth: Och, that's dead great. Then macwhat macneed macI macfear of Macduff?

(enter SR)

Macduff: See YOU, Jimmy! And know that Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped! What d'ye think aboot that?

Macbeth: Och! I do nae like it, but I support a woman's right t'choose! Lay on, haggis-breath!

(action...)

(circle Macbeth)

Macduff: Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed me wife, ye murdered me wee bairns, and ye did a poop in my soup.

Macbeth: Och! I didnae!

Macduff: Och, aye, ye did. I had t'throw half of it away.

(action..)

(enter..)

(run Macbeth off SR and "stab")

(enter SR w/ golf club)

Macduff: Behold where lies the usurper's cursed head. Macbeth, yer arse is oot the windee.

(put head off stage w/ golf club)

And know that never was there a story of more blood and death than this o' Mister and Mrs. Macbeth. Thankee.

(exit..)

Jess: Meanwhile, in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant.

(enter..)

(exit SR)

(enter SR)

Adam&Jess: All hail Julius Caesar!

Jess: The great Caesar, however, chose to ignore the warning.

Caesar: What the hell are the Ides of March?

Caesar: Why, that's today.

(action)

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

(exit..)

(stab Caesar)

(exit SR)

Antony: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar so bury him and let's get on to my play, Antony

(enter..)

(enter SR with snake and imediately go down SR stairs into audience)

Cleopatra: Cleaopatra! Is this an asp I see before me? Come, venemous wretch-

(action)

Daniel&Jess: Whoa, Adam! No! Stop!

(have fake snake attack self and throw up on people in front row)

Adam: What?

Jess: Adam- Antoy and Cleopatra has nothing to do with gastro-intestinal distress. It's an exciting, trans-global thriller about political maneuvering across the ancient Mediterranean.

(action..)

(boost self onto stage)

Oh, it's one of Shakespeare's trans-global plays? Wow, I love those! Like that one that totally predicted twenty-first century wireless communications?

Daniel: Adam, Shakespeare wrote a play called Two Noble Kinsmen.

Jess: Not Two Mobile Kinsmen.

J&D: Two Noble Kinsmen.

Jess: No, the two kinsmen are two cousins who fall in love with the same woman.

(action)

(get out phone)

Oh, and they're like texting her 'OMG, You're my BFF LOL'?

Daniel: Jess, we don't want to see your-

Jess: Monograph!

Daniel: Hey, maybe we could improvise and interpretive dance, performance-art version of your- thingy.

Daniel: Yeah! Get some props! 

Jess: Now wait just a minute. I was thinking of a more straight-forward, scholarly approach.

MESPEAK

(esit..)

Naw screw that. 

(exit SR)

Daniel: Go ahead and read, and we'll interpret.

(enter..)

Jess: Well, okay. ... ... ... which is some one hundred and sixty six lines shorter. Ladies and gentlemen, my monograph has nothing to do with Godzilla!

(exit..)

(enter with remote control toy)

(exit sadly with toy)

Daniel: Isn't there something in there about the plot?

(enter..)

Jess: Plot? Of course I cover the plot. Right here in the footnote on page 29. Troilus, youngest son of priam, King of Troy-

(enter SR with crown)

Okay, you be Troilus and you (action) be the King.

^(action=crown Jess)

Jess: Okay, great- loves Cressida-

MESPEAK

(exit..)

I'll get the wig.

(exit SR)

Jess: And has arranged with her euncle Pandarus for a meeting. Although she feigns indifference, she is attracted to him-

(enter ..)

(enter USC)

I have to feign indifference?!

Adam&Daniel: Agamemnon?!?

Adam: Bo-ring

(action)

Daniel: This is the kind of stuff that kids hate to study in school because it's so boring.

(sit on edge of stage)

Yeah, like as soon as you said Agamemnon, I was asleep   . No, I'm sorry guys, but I promised them I would not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespeare.

Jess: Sports?

Danie: How do you mean?

(action)

Daniel: Hey, they are kind similar, aren't they?

Jess: I think I have a whistle in here!

Daniel: Okay line 'em up. Let's kick some roytal ass!

(action)

Twenty-five! Forty-two! Richard the Third! Henry the Fourth, Part One, Part Two-

(take crown from D)

(bend over and make with D & J)

ALL: HUP!

(action)

Announcer: And the crown is snapped to ...

:

Richard II: My gross flesh sinks downwards!

Anouncer: The crown is in the air, and Henry the 6th comes up with it!

(action)

(back up to SR)

(catch crown)

Victory is mine!

(action)

Announcer: But he's hit immediately by King John. Oh no! He's cutting Henry the 6th into 3 parts that's gonna hurt! This could be the end of the War of the Roses cycle!

(action)

(get tackled)

(stand move> DSR)

Announcer: King John is in the clear..

Richard III: A horse, a horse! MY kingdom for a horse!

(action)

Announcer: There's a pile-up on the field.

(grab crown and run around theatre)

Announcer: TOUCHDOWN for the Red Rose! Oh my! You gotta believe this is the beginning of a Tudor dynasty!

(action)

(make top of pyramid with J&D)

ALL: Henry the Fifth, Richard the Third, the whole royal family's frickin' aabsurd! Go Raiders! Yay!

(clamber down off stage into audience & take persons program)

Can I have some house lights please? Can I borrow your program for a sec?

Daniel: The comedies were 'a lump of hilarity'

(action)

Jess: Okay, that leaves the tragedies. We did Titus Andronicus with all the blood-

(pacing in front row)

Romeo and Juliet we did-

Daniel: Julius Caesar, Troilus and Cressida, right-

Jess: We rapped Othello, Lear was in the football game, Macbeth we did with Scottish accents. What about Antony and Cleopatra?

Daniel: Okay so we'll skip the anus play. 

(action)

(hoist self onto edge of stage)

And that's it, right? That's all of them!

Daniel: Wow. Great. Looks like we can let you go a little early.

Jess: Hey, no, you guys-

Jess: Ladies and gentlemen, thirty-six plays down, one to go. Perhaps the greatest play ever written. A play of such lofty poetic and philosophical-

(action)

(tug on Jess's sleeve)

Wait a minute, Jess. Hamlet is a serious, hard-core play, and I'm just not up for it right now. 

Daniel: We don't have to do it justice. We just have to do it.

(action)

(jump into audience)

I don't wanna do it!

Jess: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Daniel: Adam, I think all your new little friends would like to see it. What do you say, would you like to see Hamlet?

(action)

(walk up to stage)

Okay, fine. We'll do Hamlet-

J&D: Great-

(action)

Daniel: C'mon. Adam-

(J&D attempt to pull me off woman's lap)

(action)

Jess: Okay, jeez! Here's your....

Daniel: Gotcha.

Jess: Nah, they've got ... Hey, where do you think you're going!?

(Action #2)

(sneak off stage into audience)

(grab audience member)

I'll kill little Timmy! I'll kill him!

Jess: Fine, but I think it's gonna turn him off to live theater. 

(action/exit)

D&J: Helmet. 

MESPEAK

(exit..)

Yeah! I gotta go put on my helmet! Woo-hoo! H-E-L-M-E-T...

(exit SR)

Daniel:You gave him sugar, didn't you?

Jess: No, I told him if he did Hamlet, I'd take him to Disneyland. Right, where were we?...

The place: Denmark. The battlements of Elsinore castle. Midnight. Two guards enter.

(enter..)

(enter SL)

Bernardo: Who's there?

Horatio: Break we our watch up; and by my advice, let us impart what we have seen tonight unto...

SPEAK

(exit...)

Both: Hamlet, prince of Denmark!

(exit SL)

Hamlet: Angels and ministers of grace defent is. Something is gotten in the state of Denmark.

(enter...)

(enter through side room on right up stairs)

Ghost: Mark me!

Hamlet:

Speak. I am bound to hear.

Hamlet: Murder!

Horatio: Murder!

Hamlet: My uncle!

Horatio: Your uncle!

Ghost:  

Let not the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest.

Hamlet: Incest!

Horatio: A couch!

SPEAK

(exit...)

Ghost:

Adieu, Hamlet, remember me!

(exit SR)

Horatio: My lord this is strange!

:

:

PoloniusL Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

(enter...)

How now Ophelia. What's the matter?

(enter SR)

Ophelia: 

My lord, as I was sewing in my clost, Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced, No hat upon his head, pale as his shirt, His knees knocking each other, and with a look so piteous in purport as if he had been loosed Out of hell to speak of horrors, he comes before me.

Poloius: Mad for thy love?

Polonius:

Why, this is the very ecstacy of love. .... 

... He is mad. (_Hamlet enters_) Look where the poor wreth comes reading. Away, I do beseech you.

(exit...)

Polonius: How does my good lord Hamlet?

Hamlet: Well God a mercy.

Polonius: Do you know me, my lord?

Hamlet: Excellent well. You are a fishmonger.

Polonius: What do you read, my lord? 

Hamlet: Words,words, words.

Polonius: Though this be madness yet, there's method in't.

(enter...)

SPEAK

(exit...)

(enter.. by poking head through curtains USC)

Ophelia: Daddy, the players  are here and they want to do a play within a play and I don't know what that is, so you'd better talk to them right away-

(exit.. disappearUSC)

:

:

J/Hamlet: To die; to sleep; Perchance to nap...

To.. doze, to... snooze, perchance to.. much, it's too much!!! *falls on ground

(enter...)

(enter SL)

Adam: Reed lights please!

Daniel: What's wrong? What happened to your speech?

Jess: They were laughing at me!

Daniel: They weren't laughing at you. They were laughing.. adjacent to you.

Jess: No! That wman was laughing at me!

(action)

(restrain Jess)

Adam: Don't worry about her. that's Jennifer and she's on Prozac. 

 Jess: She laughed at me! Just like thy laughed at Lulu!!!

Daniel: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a heavy-duty emotional speech, and frankly, Jess hasn't been himself lately-

Jess: Lulu...

Daniel: I don't know. I mean, there's a bratty character named Lulu on Desperate Housewives.

Jess: She is not bratty She's going through... 

... And you don't even care!!!

Jess: Maybe...

Daniel: So.. wait a minute. All that stuff you were spouting about killing our telecisions and embracing the Bard.. that was all BS?

Jess: No..

Jess: I'm not even post-eminent.

Daniel: But you took that course.

Jess: I didn't finish it.

Daniel: I saw your certificate!

Jess: I made it in Photoshop.

Daniel: I don't even know who you are!

Jess: I thought the world of Shakespearean scholarshop would.... I just love my stories.

(action)

(glare at woman in audience)

Adam: Well, I hope you're really proud of yourself. Sorry folks. I think we're gonna have to skip the 'to be or not to be speech.

Daniel: Overrated!?

Adam: The layers make it sucky! ALl those long speeches with big words nobody understands! Like what's that one that goes,

"I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air, look you; this brave o'erhanging firmament. this majestic roof fretted with golden fire, why it appears to me no more than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man; how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable; in action how like an angel; in apprehension how like a god. The beuty of the world, the paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me.'

Hey that didn't suck!

Jess: That was beautiful, man!

Daniel: See you guys? That speech is emotional and intellectual. The two can live side by side.

Jess: Like Luke and Laura!?

Daniel: Um, sure.

Daniel: Ew! That's gross!

Jess: No that's great! Adam, you're actually having a rare moment of lucidity, We could explicate Ophelia's id, ego, and superego. Do a sort of Freudian analysis.

Daniel: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't play Ophelia's Id. I'm already playing Polonius and Laertes, and the play-within-a-aplay scene's coming up. I'm overbooked.

Adam: Fine. I'll get my new friends to do it!

(go bring person up on stage)

Jess: Sure, Bob, it's very simple: Hamlet is playing out sublimated childhood neuroses, displacing repressed Oedipal desires into sexualized anger towards Ophelia-

Daniel: Hamlet's being a prick.

Jess: Exactly. Now... the id represents the raw, animal power of the individual, which Adam has effectively encapsulated in Ophelia's trademark scream.

Jess: You're welcom Adam. 

Daniel: This is clearly over her head!

Jess: It's very simple. Hamlet says "Get thee to a nunnery" and Ophelia's Id screams. Okay? Let's give it a try.

Daniel: Hey, thanks for breaking up the group Yoko.

Jess: I'll give you a cue. Wait, let me just step into character...

Jess: Get thee to a nunnery!

Volunteer: Screams

Jess: Yeah it was okay.

Jess: No, it sucked.

Jess: We could divide the rest of the audience up into Ophelia's Ego and Superego!

Daniel: Fine, let's just get on with it! I'll get the ego. Bob, bring up the house lights, please?

:

Now, you're playing the part of Ophelia's Ego. At this point in the play her ego is flighty, it's confused...

Daniel: So why don't we symbolize this, Bob, by- oh, do you mind if we call you 'Bob?' - we'll symbolize this by actually having you run back and forth across the stage in front of Ophelia. Will you give that a try> Right now, just...

(position)

All: GO, go, go, go, go, go!

(be standing in front of first third of audience SL)

Daniel: Wow. He's an egomaniac!

(stage direction)

( move down to thrust)

Now everyone in the front two rows, you're going to be Ophelia's Unconscience.

Adam: Really? That explains a lot. ... (to aud.) Wake up, w're doing a show! Right. Now the Unconscious is like the watery depths of Ophelia's soul, right, Jess?

And she's tossed by the tides and the currents of her emotions. So everybody in the first two rows, hands in the air, wave them back and forth, kind of undulate, and say, "Maybe..maybe not... maybe.. maybe not"

Okay that's good. 

Jess: Okay, hands up.

Daniel: Don't worry, nobody's looking. And...

>>>

(stage direction)

(move inbetween Jess and Daniel)

I feel a lot of love in this room.

Let's divide the Superego into three parts. Everybody from where Jess is indicating...

... to my left will be Section A. Everyone from Jess to here you're Section B. And everybody up in the cheap seats, you'll be Section...?

Awesoome. Now Section A is the masculine part of Ophelia's brain, the voice of all the men in her life that have been holding her back. We'll use Hamlet's line for this. I'd like you to say, "Get thee to a nunnery!" Let's try it. Section A?

Jess: Freud would call it the 'libido.'

(stage direction)

(x> volunteer 1)

Whatever, the libido is the part of Ophelia that wants to get it on with Hamlet. So you're saying to her, look, do something with yourself for God;s sake. Put on some makeup or something- Oh, no offense.

Jess: Interesting. So maybe she wants power... but she doesn't want to lose her femininity.

Daniel: Maybe she wants to be a corporate executive, but she also wants to raise a family.

Yes! She's tired of being pushed around and she just feels like saying, "Look, cut the crap Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!"

Okay, yeah, Section C, we'll have you say... "Cut the crap Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking, and I want babies now!"

Let's give it a try shall we? Section C?

Daniel: I don't know about you, but I thought that was a fantastic C-section?

Jess: The Unconscious, "Maybe, maybe not-"

Daniel: The biological clock is ticking-

Adam: And remember no matter what happens...

All: Act natural.

Adam: Okay, start with the Ego.

Daniel: Ready, Bob, on your mark, get set, go!

Jess: Unconsciou arms up. "Maybe, maybe not..."

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(exit...)

(conducting)

Adam: Section A...Section B ...Section C.  A..B..C...A..B..C.. Okay, STOP!

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(exit SL)

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Polonius: Aye, and the king, too, presently.

(enter...)