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| Okay, this is our "Good Morning, America" half of the show with all the guests and stuff, right? |
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| Bill - Simple - no weather, no sports, no news, no roving reporter; just interviewer and his guests. |
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| You're right! We can pull this off! |
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Bill - Great. Jeff, you better take the lead on this half. you probably should stay seated so you don't jar your innards as much.
Jason - But... |
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| (holding stomach) Good thinking. |
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| Jason - (a bit fearful) You've got a point there. (Back to Jeff) All right, who are the guests? |
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| We have a demonstration of the Stainernator up first with inventor Tony Dynamo. |
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| Bill - I can do that, I think. |
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| Dude, you totally can. Dynamo brought all his stuff here last night. You just have to follow the directions. |
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| We have howling Hank Turner and his wild animal guest... |
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| Jason - Well, I guess that is an answer we have to live with. |
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| We've got that cage fighter, Randy Flint. He is pitching some new fitness program. |
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| Bill - ( a bit reluctantly) I think that one is covered... |
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| Next, we have Mysterious Mark Marvel the Magician. |
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| Jason - Did he leave his stuff? |
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| Then we have Flora and Fawna, the two British pastry chefs. |
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Bill - Pice of cake.
Jason - nice one (fist bump) |
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And lastly, we have the inspirational dance team from Our Lady of Holy Endeavors convent.
SWEET!
All right. Lets get to work! |
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Mayors Speech... then
Grant - GUYS!! |
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| Yeah, I know we are cutting it close. |
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| Grant - No, its not that - I just heard something that you guys need... |
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| Jason - Jeff, Let's get your mic hooked up. |
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| (Still struggling to get untied from Jason) Bill, you are on in five, four, three... (silently counts off the last two, throws a switch, and cues Bill) |
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| Bill - And we're back. Thank you, Mr. Mayor. That is all the news so I am turning the program over to the Wake Up, Jamestown! morning talk show host, Les Manly - he has a show you definately won't want to miss (under breath) I know I'm interested to see what happens. |
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| (Getting untangled from Jason and running to the news desk) |
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| Bill - thank you for joining me. I'm (series of clicks). Have a wonderful day. Over to you, Les! |
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| (After theme of show) thank you so much ladies and gentlemen! Wake up, Jamestown! and join me for what is sure to be a red hot smoking show! |
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| (shoot Grant a look of death) - What an exciting day! We have a ton of incredible guests, but first, I want to send out a message to someone special... |
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| (Jason and Keith try to stop Jeff) |
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| (Seeing Keith and Jason, get offended) Fine. You guys are just jealous of what we have. (Back to audience) I guess we cant waste anymore time, so lets get to it. Our first guest is definately someone you are going to be familiar with - he is a legend in his own field and recently has become a household name in our area. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming larger than life inventor and pitchman Tony Dynamo and his latest breakthrough, the Stainernator! |
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| (Bill enters, phone rings, Keith and Jason trash the phone) |
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| Bill - Good morning, Les! |
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| What have you got for us today? |
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| Bill - Well, Les, I have something that is going to revolutionize how you do laundry. It's the Stainernator! |
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| (After applause) Wow! I'm speechless! How does it work? |
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| Bill - Well, its easier than a drunk cheerleader, that's for sure! |
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| (After BEEP - nervously) Okay, well, that sounds good. How about a demonstration? |
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| Bill - Great idea! Check out this nasty, disgusting, rancid jersey. Look at this mess. Grass. Blood. Mustard. Ketchup. Poop. |
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| Bill - We are just going to keep it on low. The higher settings would take care of the whole load in seconds. |
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| (After reading bottle and looking panicked) Caps! |
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| (Bucket with shirt is smoking) |
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| (Bill pulls out Stainernator with melted end) |
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| (Bill reaches into the bucket and pulls out a white shirt that has been badly burned) Whoa. Dude, this stuff... (passes out) |
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| (Picks up shirt, show to audience) And the stains are gone! (sniff shirt, grab stomach and butt, run off stage) Shrimp! |
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| Jason - 20 seconds! (Pull Jeff and throw him at desk, splash him with water) |
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| Welcome back! Our next guest is no stranger to the wild side of nature. Please help me to welcome "Howling" Hank Turner! (Welcome Grant) Great to have you here, Howling Hank (Nervous about what he'll say) |
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| Grant (Professionally) Great to be here. |
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| (Impressed) All right then. I have to admit I was not sure that you'd be up to this this morning, Hank. |
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| Grant - Of course I'm up for this. It is what I do, Les. |
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| (At ease) You are right, you are right. Well, lets see what you brought for us today. Something ferocious no doubt. |
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| Grant - Oh, that it is, Les! You'd better stand back. (dead possum falls unto table) |
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| Grant - Didelphis Virginiana... An opossum. |
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| Grant - No, thats a common misconception. It is just one of the beast's defense mechanisms...I guess I'll go find a marmot or something. no opossum for me today. (lifting possum up) |
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| Grant, Les, only to the untrained eye. But professional s like myself not only can see that the animal is obviously faking but we also know how to rouse it from this state (Hits possum on table - head falls off) |
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| Grant - merely another of this creatures highly evolved senses of self-preservation....Wow! That was close. I'm so glad evolution has equipped me with a removable head. |
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| OKAY THEN!. Well, thanks for visiting. Don't let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you. We'll be right back after a message from our soon-to-be-ex-sponsors. |
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| Bill - Dude! That stuff made my hands numb. NUMB! |
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| That might have been the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. (grab butt and leave after Keith zips up the possum) |
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Keith - ...Now, if you'll excuse me Ginger and Maryann, I need to get into my unitard.
Jason - Jeff, ten seconds! |
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| Jason - In five, four, three |
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| All right. We're back and it's time to get your blood pumping with cage fighter Randy Flint and his new gut busting fitness program, "Die, Fat Die!" Lets hear it for him! |
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| Keith - Now for the hard stuff. |
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| Wasn't the hard stuff part of the humping monkey? |
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| Keith - Whose segment is this, Nancy? |
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| Keith - Now onto some Bo-Tai. |
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| Keith - (Shoots Jeff a murderous glance) |
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| Jeff - Your segment. Totally your segment. |
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| Keith: Any question, Snickerdoodle? Go sit down! |
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| Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a real treat now (under breath) dear God, I hope so. Here is world famous illusionist, the Mysterious Mark Marvel. |
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| Jason - (Finishes and bows) |
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| Bill - (hands flapping) How can I cook like this? |
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| What do we do? The cooking segment is next! |
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Bill - Okay, we can stil pull this off. We're the experts, Jeff's the host - we'll just tell him how to make whatever it is we're making.
Jason - Yeah! |
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| Jason and Bill - Why not? |
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| You're making banana nut bread! |
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| We'll leave out the nuts. |
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| I have an abnormally high potassium level. |
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| Bill - We'll leave out the bananas. |
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| The high gluten levels sets off my irritable bowel syndrome. |
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| Grant - I'll do it! I'll make the bread and save the show! |
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| You're not touching food. Keith! |
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| Keith - I legally cannot cook in public. Not since the hibachi incident incident at the SPCA in '84. |
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| Well, what are you going to do? We're eight hands short of a cooking segment. |
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| Jason - (to volunteers) - We'll just give you the instructions and you just follow along. |
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| (run over to control table and hit a switch) In five four three, We're back and since we are nearing the breakfasty hour, we thought we'd bring out our next guests to show us a quick, easy and tasty breakfast that you can make anytime. Please join me in welcoming, all the way from across the gret pond, the pasrty chefs of the Royal family, Flora and Fauna. And... Fanny! Yay! I clap my hands because I'm so excited and happy. I need to shake your hands! |
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| (assistants all shake hands with Jeff) |
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| What are we making today, ladies? |
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| Bill - That's right. Now, the first thing we're going to have you do, Les, is sift the flour into the bowl. |
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| (Jeff's assistant tries to get the flour into the bowl being held by Jason's assistant) |
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| Grant - or, as they say around here, baking pop. |
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| (stare at Grant is disbelief, assistant tries to get all of the ingredients into Jason's bowl) |
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| Bill - Onto the wet ingredients. Let me add two cups of water. |
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| Jason - Thank you. Now it needs a good, hard beating. |
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Bill - Flora, dear, would you be a lamb and add the nuts?
Jason - Of course. |
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| And what kind of nuts will we be using in today's recipe? |
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| Jason - Well, that depends on how good my aim is. |
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| Grant - Then you should test the batter. So why don't you each grab a bit and taste it? |
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| (Jeff uses own hands to grab his stomach and butt and begins to run off stage, remembers the assistant, runs back and puts one of their hands on his stomach, moves the other to his butt, thinks better of it, moves it to his mouth and dry heaves) |
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| Jason - Just like me mum used to make. |
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| All right. That was a close one. So close I should run the back of my hand across my forehead and say, "Phew." Phew. Now, in the interest of time, Flora and Fauna... and Fanny have baked one of these delicious nut breads ahead of time. |
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| Jason - Now, doesn't that look good? |
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| Bill - Let's all bring the bread to our mouths so we can eat it. |
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| (a bit too late) Wait! (starts wheezing) |
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| Jason (to Keith) - So now your going to tell us that your a... |
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| Mmmm... (glaring at Jason and Bill) Just like my mom told me NOT to eat. |
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| (help assistants to their seats) 30 seconds to the dancing nun finale! ... SWEET! |
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| Jason - Wait a second - what music are we going to be dancing to? |
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| Beats me. Keith, can you handle finding the music? |
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| Keith - What do you think, Twinky? |
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| We're going to be dancing to Stryper? |
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| Keith - No. You're not ready for that. Just go get prettied up, Sugar Dimples. |
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| (skeptically) Okay. (to guys off stage) 10 seconds!... Five Four Three... Thank you so much for joining us today on the debut and probably final episode of Wake Up, Jamestown!. We leave you today with the sacred talents of the inspirational dance team from Our Lady of Holy Endeavors convent. I have a feeling that we are in for a real treat here. Sisters, can I join you should the spirit move me? |
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| Bill - Of course you may. |
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| (Rejoin the dance team as a nun) |
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| Thanks to ll of you for joining us on our first episode of WakeUp, Jamestown. A special thanks to all of our guests, especially the dancing nuns which have probably ensured all of us a very warm afterlife. So until next time... Wake Up Jamestown and don't lose your head when you are playing possum! |
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| Mr. O'Brian (coming onto the stage) - I mean, I'm Here! |
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| Mr. O'Brian - Do you realize what you've done? I can't even find the words. |
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